‘Let it go.’
A simple instruction, but sometimes hard to put into practice. Whether ‘it’ is an unfulfilled expectation, a thought about how things should be, an emotional reaction, an unfulfilled hope, a project no longer relevant ….
The ‘it’ is usually something we’ve attached meaning to:
‘If I unravel the wool from this unfinished jumper, it means I’m a quitter.’
‘If I accept the apology from my friend who has no intention of replacing the expensive item she’s just broken, it means I’m a pushover.’
Generally, these meanings we’ve attached aren’t true – they’re just opinions, often inherited from other people, that we haven’t subjected to a clear-sighted scrutiny.
I found myself confronting one of these thoughts last week, when the cake I’d made for a tea party had a mishap on its way to the serving dish. It hadn’t landed anywhere unhygienic, so we put it back together, but it looked a bit battered.
‘I can’t serve that,’ I said. ‘It’s far too scruffy.’
Then I started to laugh. It occurred to me that the cake, planned to be the triumphant finale to a small gathering to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary, served as a wonderful metaphor for a fifty year marriage:
Not exactly what we thought it would be
A bit battered round the edges, but still functional
Scruffy on the outside, but still good on the inside
Perfectly fine in its imperfections
So I recounted these thoughts to our guests, and served the cake in pudding bowls, rather than on plates, to laughter and appreciation.
The celebrations for our 50th wedding anniversary have been much smaller scale than the large party we threw for our Silver Wedding. My husband is approaching the final stretch of chemotherapy treatment, and has to avoid crowded events and places. This has meant that we’re having more celebrations, each with a small number of people – spread over the entire month.
I realised that our approach to this milestone is another reflection of some of the attributes that have contributed to our having stayed together:
Flexibility
Willingness to look reality in the face and find a way to deal with it
A mindset of choosing to celebrate everything for which we’re grateful, rather than bemoaning what we can’t have.
People have asked what has allowed our marriage to survive, when so many don’t. The internet is full of people’s advice on this subject, and nothing that follows is unique - but I’ll chuck in my tuppence worth:
Firstly, luck.
We found each other when we were young enough to be adaptable, but old enough to be clear about our values.
2. Shared values.
We emphasise different things – my husband values science and an analytical approach more. I share a respect for fact-checking and examining the evidence – and I’m also strongly influenced by my intuition. We both dislike bull-shitting and self-aggrandisement. We believe that acting in line with our principles is more important than financial success. This commitment to personal integrity is a massive element in creating the foundation:
3. Trust
I joke that I trust my husband with my soul, even if not with my car keys. I knew I was marrying an absent-minded professor, so although this has sent me bonkers on several occasions (the time he drove to work in his car, with the keys to my car in his pocket!), I trust him to be honest on the important things in life.
4. Being willing to ‘let it go’ has been a major factor.
Call it ‘tolerance’, call it ‘willingness to compromise’ – look at any list of ‘what do you need for a lasting marriage?’ and it will be in the top three. Although I’m quite a peaceful person, I can become opinionated – passionately so, sometimes. Recognising my opinions as exactly that – just opinions – hasn’t always been easy – and is something I’m still working on.
5. Being willing to apologise, to say ‘I got that wrong’ is another key element. Too often, in my work with couples, I encountered people unwilling to acknowledge a mistake. It’s a trait demonstrated by many world leaders – who seem to operate from the belief that admitting an error is equivalent to capitulation.
6. Good communication really is vital. Learning to ask the difficult questions, to share the things the other person does that drive you mad, to express anger, hurt, fear, sadness is an ongoing process. It includes learning how – and when - to argue.
If you’re angry or upset with something your partner did/didn’t do, it’s important to talk about it – at a time when you’re also prepared to listen to their perspective. That might not be the moment after it happened.
7. Don’t feed resentments.
When a client working through the 12 step program for addiction told me that ‘letting go of resentments’ was a major element I recognised its importance. I’d noticed how many clients justified their behaviour by reeling out a list of resentments. https://addictionsuk.com/blogs/twelve-steps-to-resentment-free-living/#:
Eric Berne, founder of Transactional Analysis, used to talk of those who build up their stock of resentments as ‘collecting trading stamps’. https://calisphere.org/item/29b765d9-ac21-4597-a956-d30c94040ef8/
It’s the same dynamic as the AA program addresses – we selectively remember things that have happened to justify our being angry/an emotional martyr/emotionally distant/indulging in addictive behaviour ….
8. Being willing to laugh at ourselves.
Years ago, I asked my daughter to draw me a poster for the wall above my desk, saying ‘Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly’. It’s a quote from the priest and novelist Andrew Greeley – probably from the book ‘God Game’. (I thoroughly enjoyed it at the time. I suspect I would find some of it extremely patriarchal if I were to re-read it.)
I was a serious child and young adult. It’s taken me a long time to develop the skill of not taking myself so seriously. Recognising that moods pass, and that things which once seemed important now look irrelevant has been a great help with this.
The last year has reinforced the importance of embracing impermanence and focusing on what we can enjoy in the moment – so we’ll drink the champagne and eat the battered gateau.
50 years - quite an achievement! Congratulations to you both! Loved reading your reflections and analysing my own 30+ years of marriage.
Lovely! Happy Anniversary!